Get it out!!! Get it out!!!

Today marks 35.5 days pregnant. I gave birth to my daughter at 35.5 weeks. And I’m SO READY for this beast boy to get the heck out of me too. I know, what a wimp huh? Go through all of this to get pregnant, you should want to keep them inside as long as possible.

I wish I could get in that mindset. I know I’ll never be pregnant again, but I’m so over it right now. My belly feels so stretched and huge and Kailen grinds his head into my cervix constantly.

I’m 4cm dilated and about 80% effaced. And holding. I took a fall last week and ended up with a cast and crutches, and also went into labor. Lucky me, they were able to stop my labor. So here I sit, with a bum ankle and a belly at capacity. Get it out! Get it outttttttttttttttttttt!

I thought I’d post a couple of pics. I had professional belly pics done last week with me and my daughter. I hope they come out good. I won’t be seeing them for a couple of weeks. Even one beautiful pic with my girl would be such a blessing. I took a bear someone gave me for Sadie when I was pregnant with her to the photoshoot. I ended up with a few shots of the bear, my daughter, me and my belly.  I’m anxious to see how they turned out.

Miracle of all miracles……..I’ve been discharged from my peri. I spent 8 months worried and scared and crying because they told me thing after thing was wrong with him. Last week, his level 2 ultrasound showed a perfectly healthy baby with no anomolies. Go figure. He’s fine. There’s nothing wrong with my son. Part of me is angry, part of me is grateful. He’s going to be fine. I’m so sad I spent my entire pregnancy worrying. I wish I’d never been sent to a peri. Too much observation and monitoring is not good in my opinion. *sigh*

Anyway, how about those pictures????????

Hope this post finds everyone well and happy. I’m hoping my next post will be to share news of Kailen’s birth. A girl can hope, right?

hugs

rae

 

Falling in love…

I am falling in love. I don’t know what changed, and I don’t care….but my heart is so completely raw for this little boy. Its taken a long time. I had so much to deal with that I hadn’t dealt with before pregnancy. But lately, it seems all my fears about DE have been abating.

I worried about so much. Whether I’d made the right decision. Worried that I wouldn’t/couldn’t love him the way I loved Maggie. Mostly—worried about bonding to a baby that may not live.

Here I sit 31 weeks pregnant. Holy crap. Its really going to happen. He’s really coming. I’m really going to have a baby in my arms in less that 2 months. All mine. He’s all mine.

I’ve spent so much of pregnancy worried about things that I’ve had very little time to enjoy it. That is changing. I’m starting to rub my tummy and have dreams of a little boy with jean overalls and a frog in his pocket. I’m imagining how its going to feel when he is laid on my tummy….how he will smell when I inhale him late at night.

I’ve hesitated to think that dreams could really come true. So many of my dreams were drug through the ringer in the last 5 years…..but this is one dream that appears to be really coming true.

My son is almost here. I’m going to have a precious little man in my life. I can’t beleive this is really happening.

I’m in love.

—rae

 

365 days ago…

An angel laid down and let a doctor take her precious eggs out of her, and donated them to me.

One year ago today, those eggs became embryos. 8 embryos.

One year ago today, 8 new souls entered this world. Out of those 8 embryos 4 tried to grow. 2 had a heartbeat. One went to heaven at 10 weeks. One remains inside of me……carrying on the hopes and dreams of the 7 others who left us.

I haven’t posted much on this blog because of the completely overwhelming feelings I’ve had about this pregnancy. I tell myself that this child is mine, that its growing inside of me……but my brain and my heart conflict so often. I struggle daily with knowing this child is not biologically mine. I hate it and I hate myself for my thoughts. I try to be gentle with myself, knowing I’m not the only donor egg recipient who has confusing thoughts and crazy dreams. But I’m still mad at myself.

Kailen’s heart is fine. No problems at all. Pretty huge false alarm eh? Sheesh people. Like I don’t have enough to worry about, you gotta get me all worked up over nothing. *grin*

Since that fateful day…….Kailen’s kidneys have gotten worse. Both are largely distended. We are following and it may need to be corrected birth if it doesn’t correct itself. I have been diagnosed with polyhydramnios (excess amniotic fluid) and……..the complications usually lead to pre-term labor.

And in good form, my body decided to go with those complications.

At 27 weeks I went into labor. They were able to stop my contractions but I was already 2cm dilated and 70% effaced.  I’m now on bedrest and off work for the duration of my pregnancy. I take breathane every 4 hours round the clock, and a p17 shot weekly. I have had a course of steroids to help his lungs.

I am getting really big, and really uncomfortable. All in all, things are stable.

I really wish I could talk more about my issues, but I talked alot about my issues with Sadie outloud, and look where that got me. *sigh*

hugs to all,

rae

 

A little bitty glitch

So I had another peri appt on Friday. And a couple more markers popped up for Down Syndrome. *sigh* Kai’s kidneys are not functioning properly and they are distended. There is questionable anomaly in the heart. Lets just call it down syndrome marker #’s 4 and 5.

I have a fetal echo next week to diagnose any heart problems.

I will continue under the care of the peri, more than likely for the duration of the pregnancy.

I’m doing okay. I wasn’t at first, but the truth is, down syndrome does not scare me. I don’t know why it doesn’t, but it doesn’t.

I feel like I’ve been blessed with a miracle. Who am I to question this gift from God?

He is the love of my life, and I know that isn’t going to change.

I’ve had my time to cry and stomp my feet and feel cheated.

Now, I’m ready to face whatever challenge we have to face and continue loving Kailen with every bit of my heart.

He’s my miracle, he’s exactly what I asked for. Sometimes we don’t get to choose the packaging, but we should always love the gift.

hugs,

rae

 

Almost halfway there…

This week I turned 19 weeks. My days are beginning to fill with anxiety towards birth and anticipation of a new baby in my arms……rather than fears of what could be taken away from me. Its the best feeling in the world to leave the fears and trepidation behind and replace them with exhiliration. Its not much longer till I get to look into the eyes of a miracle. I can’t wait to hold him in my arms. I still can’t beleive I’m in this place where a miracle actually happened to me. I think about the pain of the cancer and almost instantly my thoughts are replaced with the image of this baby growing inside of me. A baby I’d never have if I didn’t have cancer. What a curious and mixed blessing…….the pain of cancer which gave me the gift of a life. Unbeleivable.

Around 6 weeks I bought this baby a journal. It has sat on my bedside table since then. I’ve been afraid to write a single word in the book for fear it would be empty words to yet another lost baby. I didn’t want to get cocky and assume this one would actually make it into this world. But now, as I sit nearly halfway through this miracle pregnancy, I find myself upset for not writing in his journal sooner. Now is the time. I will begin his journal tonight, and hope that one day he reads it and can appreciate where my words are coming from. He is my little heartsong, the love of my life. My little man.

Oh, and by the way….his name is Kailen (like Skylen) but we’ll call him Kai for short. *grin* Of course, he’ll always be my Mumble.

Here’s a pic of my belly taken today—courtesy of my other little miracle.

Hugs,

rae

 

I’m in love with a boy…….

A little boy about 5 inches long.

I get to be a mommy to a son.

This beautiful, sweet miracle inside of me is a little boy.

The little one residing in my belly has a penis.

And I’m the happiest woman in the world.

 I get to have a son.

A SON!!!

Dreams come true.

rae

 

These are the days…….

I hope I never forget the way this feels. This complete and utter uncontrolled roller coaster called falling in love. This baby has stolen my heart and my soul. Its like that sappy crap you see in the movies……where the sky is a little deeper blue, the flowers suddently smell better and the song that the birds sing is just a little sweeter. I know its incredibly sappy and pathetic but OH MY am I ever feeling it. I get that I am pregnant and hormonal. I get that I’m incredibly sappy right now. But oh my goodness, I’ve never felt so in love in my life…..

This baby takes my breath away. This little being that made its way to me…and what a path it had to take. What an amazing journey and twisting route to make its way inside my body. This little soul must have hand picked me to be its mommy.

I sit at work and feel the jabs and flutterings and rolls of this miracle and I always stop and wait until they pass. I don’t take a moment of this pregnancy for granted. I can’t say that I did the same with my daughter. But this seems so different. This seems so hard won. I know that this will be the last time I ever experience the gift of life within my body. I have to enjoy every second of it. Drink it in. Let it imprint the memory upon my soul. I don’t ever want to forget a minute of this.

When I tell this baby the story of its life I want to convey to them how deeply I cherish the gift of them. Because I do. I still can’t beleive I was one of the lucky ones, one of those people that I envied on the donor egg boards. I got to join their elite club. I get to be a mommy to miracle baby that found its way into my womb. A baby I love so deeply that it hurts.

17 weeks today.  And so in love.

rae

 

My sweet Sadie (The birthday that wasn’t…..)

I’ve been trying to blog this for a week, and have found no other way to do this other than a letter to my little girl.

Dear Sadie,

I celebrated what would have been your birthday with empty arms and a broken heart. Words could never adequately describe the aching I felt in my soul.  You were my dream come true. You were the hope that cancer couldn’t steal from me. You were what filled the hole my cancerous ovaries left behind.  You left too soon little one, you left far too soon.

I remember when I saw your flickering heart on the ultrasound monitor. I remember feeling like it couldn’t really be happening. I couldn’t be so lucky as to have a second chance at motherhood.  And yet there you were, living inside of me. It was reality.

My motherly instinct was a little off, as I swore you were a boy from day one. Nod I named you, and Nod you were. Its still hard to call you Sadie sometimes, because inside of me you were always my little Nod. I’ll admit that when I lost you, part of me felt like I’d lost two people—a little boy I named Nod and a little girl who whispered her name in my ear………Sadie Grace.

With the loss of you came the loss of so many dreams.  When I learned that the child I’d lost was a baby girl………my mind never stopped. I thought about the totes full of Maggie’s baby clothes I’d saved just for you……I thought about my little green eyed girl with hair standing up her head and a smile that touched everyone’s heart. I thought about your first steps, your first laugh and your first school dance. I thought about prom, and I thought about your wedding. I grieved harder than I have in my life. I could not stop thinking about everything I’d lost when I lost you. Saying that I lost my mind is the understatement of the year. I ran away from my life because everything in it reminded me of you. And I couldn’t cope with losing you.

Today your brother or sister lives inside of me. Therefore, I always have a piece of you with me.  I have no doubt that this was part of God’s master plan. Perhaps this special baby within me needs a special angel to guide its way through life. Perhaps we both needed an angel to guide us through life. I feel this baby move within me and I can’t help but feel sadness that I never got to feel you. But I remind myself that this baby within me was conceived right alongside you, at the same moment as you, with the same dna as you. So you live within me as well. And you always will.

Someone once sent me a poem about losing a child during pregnancy. The visual the poem invoked was one of an angel baby lying on the mother’s pillow at nite, drying her tears and giving her strength. That image has lived on in my heart every single day. I don’t doubt that you gave me this gift inside my tummy. I don’t doubt that it was you that sat on my shoulder and gently guided me back to sanity and sent me back home where I belonged.  I don’t doubt that it was you I felt during the darkest, scariest times.

We share a birthday, sweet Sadie. I turned 30 on the day that you were to be born. January 20th. I don’t know how I would have done if I didn’t have your sibling in my belly. It took away some of the emptiness you left behind. I wish you could have joined me. I wish we could have celebrated our birthdays together for the rest of my life.

Maggie and I spent some special time together on our birthday to talk about you, remember you, and try to understand why God decided to take you before we even got to hold you. And then we sent you balloons…….3 of them. One from each of your moms, and one from Maggie. We know you got them, because we laid on our backs and watched them as the sky swallowed them and sent them to heaven. We hope you liked them. We hope you know how much we love you.

Thank you for watching over us. Thank you for the gift of the baby in my tummy. Keep us safe. And always know how much we love you.

Love,

Maggie, Mumble………and your moms…………

 

Movement

Amidst all the chaos and the stress……..something beautiful this week. I can feel Mumble moving. Tiny pokes and flutters. Gentle reminders to keep the faith.

hugs,

rae

 

The “uneventful pregnancy”

Yah right.

I had hoped that once I got past the thawing of the embryos, the transfer, the beta and then past that horrible 10 weeks mark…..I would have smooth sailing from there.

I haven’t been around much because its been one thing after another. I hate posting bad updates and really i just haven’t had the energy to post.

On a good note, I’m really showing now, and its so fun to reach down and rub my swollen belly. Maybe I’ll post belly pics soon.

I had an emergency earlier this week that scared the hell out of me. I couldn’t urinate and was in extreme pain and pressure. I found out that it was due to an incarcerated uterus. This happens to a lot of women like me who have had prior surgeries that caused adhesions, and have severely retroverted uteruses like mine. My uterus was socked down in my pelvis and couldn’t pop out.  And thus I had a ureter obstruction. And it was obstructing the growth of my little one. The procedure was not fun, but they managed to dislodge my uterus from my pelvis. Temporarily. Because i don’t have the muscles most do to keep the uterus up, it keeps trying to tilt back. Because of the problems this created, as well as a positive screen on a level 2 ultrasound, I’m now in the care of a peri. My heart is having a hard time, and testing has shown a constant PVC pattern and its making me exhausted and breathless. My blood pressure is elevated. I was diagnosed with estrogen overload this week when my estrogen tipped the scales at 2700.  The complications that accompany this are not fun. 

The level 2 ultrasound was part of the regimen to uncompact my uterus and it led to incidental findings that I don’t feel comfortable discussing here. Which means straight to the peri for the NT scan and amnio. And then cardiology.

Thats pretty much my update for now.  I don’t know when I’ll update again. I need to come to my own terms with what is happening and blogging just hasn’t been my priority.

I hope you are all well. Just pray for me and mumble if you are the praying type. 

hugs,

rae